at laaassst

I have endured a twenty day raft ride and yet another storm before coming to the island of the Phaecians. After telling my story, they, by custom have offered me safe passage home to ithaca! It's so exciting. I'm a little worried because there patron god is Poseidon, who despises me
"O Father Zeus, let this be fulfilled as spoken by Alkinoos! earth of harvests remember him! Return me to my homeland! (VII 354-457)"

Almost...there...

I have tarried long enough on Kalypso's Isle, although it is paradise. All day she sings to me, and all night----well...
Penelope, I swear, I have never really consented to my ongoing affair, in my heart, deep down that is. Sure, I've consented in LITERALLY every other possible way, seriously. You better have been faithful, cuz it's your duty.
hermes just left, evidently he told miss hottie Mc Hotkalypso that my stay here is up. Now I have to go tell that immortal beauty that I'd rather have a mortal. The things I do for Penelope. She owes me.

"The dangerous nymph Kalypso lives and sings there, in her beauty, and she received me, loved me. (XII 473-5)

I'm so blue!

I am floating at sea. We were sailing along when "With crack on crack of thunder, Zeus let fly a bolt against the ship a direct hit. (XII 527-8)" So yeah. I'm just drifting along, my entire crew dead. Life sucks sometimes.

Aww, Shucks

Extend my earlier argument of PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND MUTINOUS. We landed on Helios Island and I warned my men NOT to kill any of the cattle. Unfortunately, Eurylokhos, ringleader encouraged them to kill cattle. "Come, we'll cut out the noblest of these cattle, for scrifice to the gods who own the sky; and once at home, in the old country of Ithaka (XII 442-4)" We are cursed, CURSED!

ARGH!

Right after my last post "Skylla made her strike, whisking six of my best men from the ship. (XII 317-318). It went SO FREAKIN' FAST! That was so scary! I wish I could have died an honorable death at Troy. I don't think this is worth it...

Big scary sea monster six oclock

I don't have time to say much. This experience is more terrifying than Troy; I wish I was lost to the Seirens, or the Kyklops. We just faced Kharybdis,who "Swallowed the sea water down we saw the funnel fo the maelstrom, heard thee rock bellowing all around and dark sand raged on the bottom far below. (XII 311-314) We will face Skylla ver-

It's not over 'til the fat lady sings

Alas, the Seirens song is so sweet! After putting beeswax in my mens ears, I wanted to hear the song. "They tied me up, then, plumb amidships, back to the mast, lashed to the mast, and took themselves again to rowing. (XII 214-216) I begged to untied and clawed at the ropes, but thankfully the ropes held. Ah well. Some things men aren't meant to hear.

DOOM DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

How can a year pass so quickly? Today my men roused me tomey senese and reminded me of home, although this year has not been unpleasant, if-you-know-what-I-mean... To find out what remains of my jouney to the underworld and "Then slash a black ewe's throat, and a black facing the gloom of Erobos; but turn your head toward Ocean. You shall see now souls of the buried dead in shadowy hosts, and now you must call out to your companiouns to flay those sheep the bronze knife cut down, for offerings, burnt flesh to those below, to sovereign Death and Pale Persephone. Meanwhile draw sword from hip, crouch down, ward off the surging phantoms from the bloody pit untilyou know the presence of teiresias. (X, 584-597)"

Bow chicka wow wow

A triumph at last after such bad luck! We have been wandering since our second departure from Aiolos. We chanced upon a wooded isle, and, following procedures, I sent men to explore the island. When they found a palace a beautiful woman called to them to enter and feast. One man was wary and hung back and watched as this witch woman turned the other men into swine. After this remaining man reported back to me, I set out to get my men back from this witch. Before i reached the palace I was stopped by Hermes. He told me how to defeat Kirke and her to release my men. The plan wasn't bad, with it's climax in Kirke's "flawless bed of love. (X, 390)

MUTINY?! ON MY SHIP??!!?!

Alas, the great Zeus has made the human race curious, and my men are cursed to be of the human race. After we left Aiolos we sailed for nine days. When we drew within sight of ithaca, I grew weary, for I alone had manned the rudder for those nine days. My men did not know what was in the bag that Aiolos had stashed in our boat, and when they saw my eyes grow weary, they opened the bag. All winds came out, blowing us all the way back to Aiolos. I curse you vile crew! Aiolos would not allow us to reland, so we sailed until we found the land of the Laistrygons, fierce brutes. We hailed their king, but in return he "Seized one man and tore hime on the spot, making a meaal of him; the other two leaped out of doors and ran to join the ships. Behind, he raised the whole tribe howling, countless Laistrygones-and more than men they seemed, gigantic when they gathered on the sky line to shoot gread boulder down from slings. (X 129-135)" The stones smashed into our ships, and the crys of my men rose piteously. In other words, we were pwnd by giants. I don't wanna talk about it anymore...

I am great, aren't I

I have finally met a god face to face! We met Aiolos on his island. We feasted for a time, on the most delicious of food. We are going to stay here a month, and I believe both my crew and I need that rest. Of all the places I have been, this might be the most wonderful. Before we leave, he's going to give me a windbag, "A bulls mihide, sewn from neck to tail into a mighty bag, bottlingstorm winds; for Zeus had long ago made Aiolos warden of winds, to rouse or calm at will. (X, 21-24) This stirs my longing for home, but I've been gone a decade; I can wait another month.

Not for the squeamish of stomach...

This was the first time something bad has happened and it's MY fault. Me and my crew landed on this island overflowing with goats. YUM! Goat curry! I'll post that recipe sometime. I looked across the bay and saw a desert island. I wanted to see what's on the island, so I asked some crew members to join me. I truly regret this decision. My pride is bruised greatly. We sailed to the island and spotted a cave. I mustered my men and we entered the cave and had lunch. Soon, a great brute came in, lugging logs and herding goats. With a ginormous rock he closed the entrance and promptly milked his ewes. He then stoked up the fire and noticed us. After our introduction he scorned us, grabbed two of my men and promptly smashed their brains out onto the floor in a gruesome feast. We had to get out somehow. He wouldn't let us out the next day, so it gave me time to plot. In the end, we were saved by a stick and wine. We got him drunk, then pulled out a six foot long stake we had made earlier today. Working quickly, we heated up the point, then thrust the stake into his eye. "In a smithy one sees a white hot axehead or an adze plunged and wrung in a coold tub, screeching steam--the way they make soft iron hale and hard-just so that eyeball hissed around the spike. (IX, 435-429)" Huh, my trick! We escaped, and alls well that ends well, right?

night night

Remember how I said that people are stupid? Extend that sentiment. There's this thing called the Lotos flower. This flower is like a crack-opium-shroom mixture, to put it modestly. Whenever someone eats this retarded "lotos" flora, they lose all want to see their home again. After we landed, I sent out three guys to check out this place and *poof* they're gone. There was only one thing to do. "I drove them, all three wailing, to the ships, tied them down under their rowing bences, and called the rest: All hands aboard; come, clear the beach and no one can taste the Lotos, or you lose your hope of home. (IX, 105-109)" So many minor setbacks, so little time. You know how they say its easy to forget how someone looks like the longer you don't see someone. I honestly can't remember what my son looks like...wait, wasn't the last time I saw him when he was a baby?!?

Kikones

ZOMG! People are so stupid. And mutinous. Seriously though; we land at Ismaros, stronghold of the Kikones. We completely dominate those jerks, but "my men were mutinous, fools, on stores of wine. Sheep after seep they butchered by the surf, and shambling cattle, feasting,-while fugitives went inland, running to call to arms the main force of Kikones. (IX, 51-55) They got so many spawn kills its not even funny. Six benches per ship were left empty. How disrespectful can my men be. Here I'm trying to get home to my little coochie coo, and they have to go and die. Ungh! this is rediculous. Don't worry Penelope, I'm coming for you! I'm sorry that people are stupid. They're just so mutinous!
Oddyseus

Troy

"What of my sailing, then, from Troy?" (IX, 41) We leave, victorious at last. I must say that this war would never have ended if I had not contrived the absolutely BRILLIANT scheme of building this gigantonormous wooden horse then sticking all of our best warriors in it. I, truly, am a genius. Too bad Ajax doesn't think so, but he's a loser anyway. C u soon Penelope my gff!